PSA - Driving with a ton of snow on top of your car

IS DANGEROUS! DUH!?!?!??!??!?!? Don't ya know eventually that snow is going to fly off your roof and smash into someone windsheild? Don't ya also know that the chances are y'all will be driving when that happens????? I realize snow is white and fluffy and innocent when it comes down but once it sits for a day and gets wet and cold and hard it can become a weapon! Much like a soft feathery turkey does when it's frozen.

Um, do you want to be hit by a ton of ice in the windsheild whilst going 60 mph on the expressway? No. Well, neither does anyone else so clean off the effin roofs of your cars. Just a little bit of the Golden Rule will go a long way here folks. Ya know the one that says don't hurl humongous blocks of snow and ice at 80 miles an hour from the roof of your van onto others peoples windsheilds while they unsuspectingly drive around town christmas shopping if you don't want it done to you....

Did I mention "DUH"????????????????!

Pondering Whole Wheat Chocolate Chip Pancakes

Why do I bother pouring and mixing and spilling and flipping and buttering and all that jazz when the pancake is going to be picked apart by little human crow'esque fingers just to get the chips out? Why don't I just dump some gooey chocolate chips on a paper plate and call it breakfast?

Who do you feel worse for? Me or these disemboweled pancake carcassses?

Another installment of the baby photo shoot chronicles- Holiday 09

It's time for another holiday card!!! This time I enlisted the help of a professional, Grandma. Since she's taken pix of every brat on the island born between 1980 and 2000, and as many (if not more) bridezillas, I figured she was up for the challenge. There was very little bribing (the little amount there was didn't work), lots of "PRETTTTTTTTY PLEASE just sit still for a minute", a fair amount of grumbling under my breath, and a teensy weensy bit of photoshop but the final product is pretty G D awesome!!! See for yourself:



Some of you will get this in the mail and others will have to admire it from this page. If you happen to be in the latter category and want to be in the first category email me your address and you can have your very own copy!! :-)

Thanks Rammar/Mooma!!!

What is it about the day after Thanksgiving

That makes it perfectly acceptable to eat a full plate or potatoes, stuffing, green beans, turkey and corn for breakfast.... with your coffee... literally at 9 am?

Mommy brag- Eva's 1st homework assignment

Allow me to introduce you to Eva's (and Mommy's) first homework assignment. It was really hard for me to "know my role" and stay within the confines of it, which was to write our family name on the top of the paper and trace the hands of our immediate family members elsewhere on the sheet, and allow Eva her creative license to decorate it. The instructions were to "Have fun making it special", "Use crayons, stickers, markers, glue, whatever your heart desires to make it pretty b/c we are hanging it on the wall in school". I gravitated (in my usual OCD way) to the ruler and the the pencil and the rainbow colored markers. Eva took a special liking to a dark blue sharpie. I could not pry it from her hands. After I painstakingly outlined our last name and all of the handprints she completely covered over her handprint and a good part of Daddy's hand in dark blue sharpie. I finally had to say "I think it's done! And boy is it lovely!!!". She agreed. Here it is:

Can I get a woot woot???!??!?!

I'm 85% done with my Christmas Shopping. Just saying.

Now I don't have to grumble and bah humbug everyone that says they finished on Black Friday. Better yet I don't have to leave my house on Black Friday and I can stay home and stuff my gullet full of left over stuffing.

So I ask again... can I get a woot woot?

Halloween and dress up

I don't have a nice pic of Eva in her dorothy dress from Halloween b/c she wouldn't cooperate but I do have a few cute ones from "princess dress up hour" a few days prior. Check her out. Doesn't she make a lovely snow white????




Lukey's pix are authentically Halloween!!! All Aboard!!!!!!!!!

Love/Hate Friday Five HALLOWEEN

Sorry it's been a whole week and you're stuck with another LHFF with nothing in between but it's been hella crazy around here.

Things I luuuuuuurve about halloween:

1. Kids in costumes
2. All different colored leaves
3. Sweatshirts
4. Reeses Peanut Butter Cups
5.

Things about Halloween that are crazy making for me:
1. Knocking on peoples doors with my hands/bag out looking for candy that I don't even want to eat
2. Uncontrollable urges to consume large amounts of candy
3. Guilty feelings after eating said large amounts of candy
4. Guilt about eating candy in front of my kids and the guilt from hiding it from them (ie eating in the coat closet)
5. The stupid "ghost" who leaves the chain letter/halloween package at my door who I must give to 3 other people in the neighborhood before the stroke of midnight on halloween! Who thinks of this stuff?!?!?!?!? The gag always ends when it gets to my house.

Love/ Hate Friday Five

Five things I lurve about Fall:

1. Soup
2. Boots
3. Sweaters
4. Thanksgiving is uhcoming
5. Apple pie and vanilla ice cream

Five things I hate about Fall:
1. Baseball season is coming to an end
2. It's dark in the morning when I go to work
3. It's dark in the evening when I get home from work
4. Pedicures take a backseat
5. I have almost no willpower when it comes to vanilla ice cream and apple pie.

Out of the mouth of babes

Eva says:

"Mommy when I put this on I feel like a butterfly!"

Trying so desperately to become someone who

loves running. It's hella hard. After all these years I still only midly like it. When is it going to click? What am I doing wrong? What's missing? Don't get me wrong, I love the feeling of accomplishment when it's done and the muscles in my legs and the cardio strength I know I have as a result of regular sesssion but I don't think I ever get that "runner's high" while I'm running. I'd like to be the person that enjoys doing it WHILE i'm doing it.

I'm running my first organized 5k tomorrow. Since I usually only run alone around the hood or on the treadmill at the gym this is all new to me. Maybe the competitive thing is that thing I'm missing. We'll see. I'll let ya know.

The Raving Mute is being spun off here

http://theravingmute.blogspot.com/

I just got it all set up and added his old ravings. There will be a new one early next week, for your reading pleasure!!! Feel free to drop by and show my Pops some love. He likes to know he's not his biggest (and only) fan.

Worth the wait

The kids finally love each other. They really do. Watch till the end!!! This was taken over the weekend at Sesame Place with Eva and Luke and their cousins. We had a fab time. The kids behaved (mostly), the weather was good (kind of), and the characthers were all really friendly (except Oscar). All in all, a good time was had!


and some pix to prove that we really did meet celebrity monsters:






























Thanks for looking!!!!!

How did I make it through all of these years

of child rearing without one "poop in the tub" incident? Answer- I'm that damn good.

Why did it finally have to happen tonight? Answer- I got cocky. :-)

Before and Afters

Of the mailbox.

Before the sex change operation (this is the picture you saw earlier in the week):



After the final (I hope) incident (did the offender really think we wouldn't notice????):

Shrivel

3 things a 2 and a half year old should never say. Especially not in a row.

-Daddy you shouldn't say f*cking
-Daddy you're not supposed to say c*cksucker
-Daddy you can't say f*cking c*cksucker

3rd time's a charm!!! and a lesson in Karma

I'll try and make a long story short here because this one goes back almost 2 years but it's finally come full circle.... actually half circle but it's all good.

1 year and a half ago someone rounded the corner my house is on and cut the curb a little too close and blasted my mailbox with his or her sideview mirror. Don't know who he was because he didnt stop, he left us to deal with it. He'll get his.

It's one of those plastic mailboxes with doors on both sides, for lazy folks who don't want to step out in the street to get the mail. Here she is last winter. You can see how she slightly hangs into the street. I suppose it looks like she's asking to be blown to smithereens. She seems to be taunting passersby.


Fast forward to last spring and my across the street, 2 doors down neighbor rounds the corner and little to tight and gives my mailbox another good wollop! Knocks her 35% off kilter, sends the front and back doors into my yard and leaves her with screws that holds the top on all jacked around and sticking out. She comes to my door and tells me she sorry and offers to write me a check and whines about how her husband is going to kill her for shattering the side view mirror. I got the feeling she wanted a check from me for her mirror. I told her keep her check and she's not getting one from me and to take the corner a little slower next time.

So for 6 months we've been nursing the thing. Rigging it up so the doors stay shut. Playing a game with the postman. We rig the doors, he puts the mail in, the doors fall off, he has to get out of his truck to pick the doors up and then he puts them in the actual mailbox with the mail. We get the mail and rig the doors back on, he opens the doors to put the mail in and they fall off, etc, etc.

Fast forward to last night and someone takes the curve too tight and gives my mailbox her final assault. She just can't take it anymore. She succumbs to the final blow and takes her final resting place in the flower bed behind her post. Marc decides to let her rest in peace for the night and figures he'll deal with it in the morning. We're not getting mail at night anyway so why not let her lay with her post one last time??? This morning we wake up and go out to assess the damage and behold a miracle!!!!!! Whoever the fine person is that blasted my mailboxe's jorts right off has a heart and he believes in karma. He came back in the middle of the night and put her back on her post better than she's ever been before. Her screws don't stick out anymore, the doors don't fall off AND they shut and stay shut, she's not hanging off to the left side and best of all because he put her back on the post backwards she doesn't stick out into the street!!!!! So fine, the flag and the #s are now on the wrong side but I'll take it for not having to borrow a post hole digger and schlep to Lowes for a new mailbox! Good Karma for that stranger? CHECK!

More from the Raving Mute

The world according to Nancy

"Justice! I hate justice. It's the law that I love" - The king in Gullivers Travel's by J Swift

I was duly elected, true it was just one city
Still now I speak for Congress, gee ain't that a pity
Yes it's me that they chose, when they took the vote call
That speaks for their judgement, that says it all
So now I make the laws, along with my friends
With hubris and arrongance, means justified by ends

I supported dissent, back in the day
But now we are in power, so free speach is passe
It's like totally bogus, its Unamerican you see
To voice your opinion, unless I agree
How dare they presume , that their voices be heard
They're just little people, it's utterly absurd

Now they're stirred up, town hall protest they make
I'm so not impressed, let them eat cake
They should just shut up, we dont need their advice
It's for them we are building, a workers paradise
A true Great Society, that's what we melding
Just me and my friends, like Harry the Gelding

So, should they continue to protest to long
We'll take off the gloves and unleash ACORN
Our rat squad is in place, they read every blog
Enemies of the state, we record in our log
Not since Tricky Dick, has it been done so well
Slander and intimidation, all opposition to quell

And as far as the media, should they question to hard
They've been put on notice, we'll play the race card
Except MSNBC, their views are just fine
They write better scripts, than our own party line
It makes me ecstatic, it's almost like heaven
Our very own infomercial, running twenty four seven
They cherry pick whats news, then slant it and spin
An unrelenting barrage, of sycophant din

As for that other network, I won't say their name
You know who I mean, they wont play our game
They give me disphasia, they make me say BAH!
Refuse to sit in our circle, and sing kum-bai yah
They point out our flaws, give voice to the prole
It has to be stopped, we need more control
Fairness doctrine it failed, so a new law we'll pass
To nationalize the media, make them all just like Tass
They'll come under one name, I've got it for sooth
We'll just call them all, The "Ministry of Truth"
Then we'll ram through each bill, the public can't spike it
We're your government in action, how do you like it?

Who cares about cost, trillions are fine
We'll just tax all new income, I've already got mine
And the national debt, why should anyone care?
Generations not born yet, It's for them to bear

So you thought we'd be better, than the last guys?
Both parties count on that, Hel-lo Que Surprise!
The difference is small, between who holds the whip
From the cup of great statesmen, you never shall sip
No matter our party, our gender or race
We all talk out our ass, and both sides of our face
But dont get discouraged, I'll tell you why
Keep hoping for change, it's on that we rely

Who knows, it could happen?
The day that pigs fly!

The Raving Mute

Exercise Tip of the month- Plank pose

Very similar to July's pose but equally awesome for the core!!!

Starting Position
Begin by lying on your stomach with palms on the floor next to your shoulders, feet and legs together, toes down.


Action
Lift your body up so that your arms are straight (palms below shoulders) and weight is balanced evenly between hands and toes, keeping body as straight as possible. Hold for 30 seconds and work up to 1-3 minutes.


Special Instructions
Don't let your hips drop or rise, and be sure not to shift weight to one arm. Remember to breathe.

If you want to give this a little twist hold the regular pose for 30 seconds and then do lift one leg off the floor for 30 seconds then return that leg and lift the other leg off the floor for 30 seconds.

Strengthens abs, arms, wrists and spine- What could be bad???

**From Sparkpeople.com**

6 years of

ups, downs, fun, stress, laugher, tears, changes, challenges, learning, leaning, loving, and growing.

The long and short of it: Wedded bliss with a twist!

A boy who is in touch with his feminine side

and rocks Minnie Mouse shades like no other.

There ain't (pardon the slang) nothing better in the world

than a heartfelt kiss between the children.

A few things:

A public apology to all of the people in my contact list that my son has called in the last few weeks (especially my customers Lloyd and Alex).
A request to Luke for an apology back to me for changing the year on my phone to 2077, my email address to christine.jihultz@sprint.com, my name to "Ap", and my customer's name from Alex to "Py".
A question for Palm- Why do you make an alleged "smartphone" so damn easy to unlock that a 1 year old can do it?
Another question for Luke- Why can't you play with the 5 old blackberries in your toy box as opposed to my live, active cell phone? And how on earth did you figure out how to unlock it and make calls and change contact information and manipulate the calendar?
Yet another question for Luke- Since you're obviously very good at using the thing- How do I switch back to the year 2009 without scrolling through 68 years worth of months?

Is it time

to address my OCD or is my awareness of it's existence, for now, enough? Does counting the sweat drops as they fall off your face and hit the bike in spin class and comparing that number to prior weeks numbers signal the need for intervention? Or is that some quirky exercise person survival of the fittest characteristic aka going bored out of your mind avoidance technique?

186

Pondering

How is it fair that it takes 2 long months to take off 13 pounds and 3 days to put 1/3 of it back on? Furthermore, whoever made up the bullshit story that "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" is dead WRONG. If that were the case the steaks and fries and corned beef hash and raspberry vodka lemonades and pina coladas I ate and drank while there would have stayed there, NOT on my hips.

humpffffff

Special Thanks

going out to the lady at safety swim that helped me put Eva's bathing suit on yesterday amidst one of the hairiest public hissy fits I've ever been unfortunate enough to witness.

Basically I struggled and struggled and struggled trying to put her swim diaper on while 10 horrified onlookers stared until one lovely, been there done that Grandma decided to do her good deed for the day. I held Eva in straight jacket fashion and this nice lady put Eva's suit on for me, all the while dodging kicks and spit and horrific insults, and (probably most importantly) reassuring me that Eva would be fine and every kid does this. For the record, I didn't see anyone else's kids doing that.

This was swim lesson #2 and although it started out WAAAAAAAAY worse then swim lesson #1, where I had the element of surprise and unknown on my side, it ended WAAAAAAAAAAY better. Eva even managed to stop crying part of the way through and actually enjoyed herself. Here's hoping that it wasn't a fluke.

Dolphin Pose- Exercise tip of the month ;-)

Starting Position
Start in an inverted V: forearms on floor, elbows wide, hands clasped, butt lifted, legs straight. Tip head between arms to look at feet.


Action
Looking up, press body forward until chin is above hands. Return to start to complete one rep.


The movement is subtle. You are only moving your butt up in the air a few inches. When you go flat try and hold it for a few more seconds to make it a little harder. I do 15 of these every few days and without fail everytime I do them I get sore in places I never knew existed. Give them a shot. They are supposed to strengthen your core and they do exactly that...after they tear your core apart..... Well worth the burn.

How long does a man

have to be married before he just KNOWS that you simply cannot get feminine hygene products at Lowe's??? I mean like really knows? Like doesn't have to ask anymore??? 6 years? 20 years? What? How many?

Wish me luck

not going to say why I need it ... yet... but I do. Got a lot going on (all good) but I'm superstitious so I need to keep mum. I'm still here. I'll be back soon. With news hopefully. Stay tuned....

This girl is wise beyond her years

I don't think I could manage this feat till at least 17 years of age. For a girl who learned how to walk late, she's walking in heels waaaaaaaay early.

A shout out

The happiest little boy I've had the pleasure to meet. I don't think its possible for him to make eye contact and not grin from ear to ear. It's his gift to me everyday.

fudgy the whale

Fudge pops, one of the few pure joys of summer.

Been busy

LOSING 5 pounds!!! Go Me!!!!!!!!!!!!! I owe it all to:

1. sparkpeople
2. asics running shoes
3. nysc
4. a good sports bra
5. sheer determination

8 more to go to get to my goal and in 4 pounds I'll see a # in the middle that I haven't seen in 8+ years. How you like me now?

When I get there I'm getting a tattoo. I have an idea of what I want but I'm also taking suggestions into consideration.....

A little late buuuuuuut

Happy 1st birthday Lukey!!! How can it be that he's a year old already?

The end of an era

A baby locked up in her crib, at my mercy, peaceful in her room until I say she can come out, safe in "baby jail", sleeping in a cage era. And it's bittersweet.... for all of the reasons I just mentioned and a million more. Am I being dramatic? Sure. Give me a little leeway, she's my baby. It was nice to know that she would be there until I got her out. It was nice to feel needed when I went into the room every morning to lift her out of the crib. It was nice to listen to her play in her crib with her dollys on the monitor. It was nice to only have to change a crib sheet every week and not to have to deal with pillow cases and top sheets and quilts and all of the other shize that goes along with a big girl bed. All that is over (with the girl child at least) now. The crib has been (FINALLY) passed on to baby Lukey (who'll be one in a few days) and Eva is in her big girl bed.

How did she do in her first night in her big girl room you ask???? She didn't cry, or complain, or climb out, or fall out and break her leg, or get up in the middle of the night, or pull a bookshelf over onto herself, or break the mirror on top of her dresser, or fall out of the window.... None of that stuff that I thought was going to happened, the stuff that was keeping her in the crib all this time even though her big girl room has been set up for over a year, happened.

Sweet because it was a momentous occasion for us. A banner day at the Lifschultz household. Eva is in her big girl room at the ripe old age of 2 years 4 months. Bitter because all of this time I thought she couldn't do it, wasn't old enough, would keep me up all night. Bitter because I feel like a heel for doubting her and for the aforementioned reasons. Anyway, it's done... We lived through it... and it wasn't bad. AT. All.

Starting to solve the mystery

Although the mystery is not really a mystery because I know the answers. The hardest part for me has always be in the executing. If you're like me and you have a hard time executing on your weight loss goals/vision/ plans etc you need guidance and support and a nudge in the right direction. And if you're also like me in that you are an obsessive, anal, ocd planner than I found something that will help you. In the past, I used a calorie counting website with great success.

This website I'm about to show you takes calorie counting, which we all know is a major component for losing weight, to another level. Not only does it let you count calories (and fat and protein and carbs, etc) but you can track exercise (cardio and strength training), h2o consumption, hours of sleep and a whole host of other things that will contribute to a healthy lifestyle. If you don't know shize about exercise it will plan a routine out for you and show you how to do it. Consider it your own Jack LaLane. If you don't have an ounce of Rachel Ray in your body it will plan out your meals for the day/week/month/year and provide you with a detailed grocery list. If you need someone to talk you down of that cheesecake ledge every now and again it has a panic button you can push and get "emergency" online support and guidance. You can micromanage your life down to the littlest caloric detail... should you choose to get that granular. It's the bomb. Check it out. Sign up. Live better, eat good things, be more active, set and accomplish goals, get to the weight you wanna be at and stay there. All it takes is a little awareness, a little persistance and some effort. You deserve it.

Without futher ado:

WWW.SPARKPEOPLE.COM

Oh yeah and it's effin free.

The weightloss wagon

I'm back on this crazy rollercoaster again. I finally got down to pre prego weight a few months ago and with only 10 more pounds to get to my goalweight I promptly rewarded myself but putting on 5 pounds. Why do I do it to myself? Why does it have to be so hard? Not trying to sound pathetic and "woe-is-meish" here. Those questions are more general questions for humanity as a whole.

While I was at the gym today I was watching Oprah (If my boss is reading this it was the late replay in the evening not the first run of the show ;-). There was a man on there who is in the Guiness Book of World Records for losing the most amount of weight ever. Over 1000 pounds. Guess what? He gained every single pound of it back. I can't even wrap my brain around that. I'm seriously jammed right now in a thought process windtunnel of WHY? HOW? could someone go through that and be on Oprah talking about it? I'm floored. Why is it so damn hard to get to and stay at a weight that makes us happy? Maybe even more puzzling why can't we be happy at the weight we're at?

Wordless Wednesday

How's this for timing?

Picture it. The whole Lif family driving around on the first gorgeous day of the year, Saturday April 18, 2009. Setting the stage here now so indulge me would ya. A fab day at the petting zoo with friends. Lunch at applebees with friends and beers and one baby who slept the whole time and the other who sat and ate her whole meal peacefully and without protest. I should have known things were going too well... that the hammer was about to drop. On the way home we were listening to the baseball game on the radio and decided to rol up the windows and put the AC on so we could here the game. What? Wait? The AC doesn't work? Hmmmmmm that's weird.

Fast forward a few hours later to a conversation between Marc and the toyota lady:

Marc- Hi I bought a car from Toyota a few years ago and my a/c just went out. I am sure it's under warranty could you let me know what I should do to have it fixed.
Toyota lady grumbling about having to do shit on a beautiful day- When did you buy it? If it was brand new when you bought it you get a 3 year or 36000 mile warranty.
Marc- I don't remember b/c it was 2 + years ago. It's a 2006
Toyota lady obviously pissed about being a toyota lady- What's the VIN #?
Marc- VIN # is blah blah blah
Toyota all of a sudden perks up and has spring in her step because she's evils and gets off on delivering this next little tidbit- You're gonna die.
Marc- Why?
Toyota lady with what I imagine to be an ear to ear grin-The system shows you bought the car on April 17th 2006.
Marc- Huh? So you're saying if this happened yesterday I'd be covered 100%
Toyota lady- Ayup
Marc- But today I'm not?
Toyota lady- Uh Nope

Look A Like Meter take 2

I win!!!:

Look A Like meter

It's a tie:

A child with a good work ethic

In the making.

Coloring Eggs on

Passover with my Pizza Bagels. The joys of an interfaith family.

Wordless Wednesday

One of life's biggest mysteries?

Why do people who want to kill themselves find it necessary to take innocent others out with them when they go? I can't for the effin life of me wrap my brain around that compulsion.

Wordless Wednesday 4/1/09

All the money we spend on toys

for these ding dang kids and Eva sits on the couch and plays "batteries" (that's what she calls it)? Really? Believe me, I know I'm not the first person to ponder this phenomenon but I think it's a code that we collectively need to crack. If you saw how many toy boxes and piles of toys these kids have scattered around this house you'd look at me judgingly. It borders on excessive yet she sits indian style on the couch dumping D batteries out of flashlight and putting them back in. Over and over again. I asked her what she's doing and she tells me "I'm busy playing batteries mama". Okay then.

HAPPY 95th birthday Grandma!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What better reason for me to be back to blogging could there be than to wish my Grandma a happy 95th!! birthday!!! This woman pretty much rocks in every way and I can't wait for many many more happy and healthy birthdays!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love you Grandma!!!

PS- thanks to my cuz Jodi for the picture!

Not done yet

but getting very close. I painted the basement this weekend. In between dinner with the girls, a wedding, a hangover and football.

Here is a pic of the progress as per Uh Nets request:

The before for comparison purposes:


Here she is as of yesterday. Still waiting on the ceiling (which she got today), the floor, trim, closet doors and furnishings:

OCD

You know you have it when you spend 35 minutes getting the knots out of my little pony's hair and your kids aren't even home. I need help.

Pondering Plumbing

Why is it that when the plumber is here and the water is turned off my internal plumbing kicks into overdrive?

E-B-D

Holy cow Eva can spell. It's time to come up with another code word for "bed" because Eva knows what we're saying when we give eachother the look and say "It's time for B-E-D". Tonight, when it was determined that for the last 20 minutes 40 seconds out of every minute was spent crying I gave Marc "the look" and said "it's time....". He knew exactly what I meant and apparently so did Eva. Before I could finish my encoded statement she began running around the den in hysterics screaming "I DON'T WANT TO GO TO E-B-D!". All the proof I needed that she was indeed ready for bed.... and "Hooked on Phonics".