Pondering

How does someone who only ingests white milky liquid manage to excrete brown spinachy solids? What goes on inside those intestines that can turn the most benign liquid into the most foul solid? Anyone? Beuller? Beuller?

Since we're pondering lets also think on this: What makes said spinachy solid so aerodynamic AND precise allowing it to fly out of a diaper and land exactly precisely on diaperchangers toe and squirm it's way under the nail?

An Ode to the Media

My father wrote this and asked me to put it on my blog (actually he said myspace but I'm not sure he knows the difference) b/c he knows I have a following ;-).

Ode to the Media
by THE FRED

We call it the NEWS, who what where when and how
True once it was that, but what is it now?
It was just the facts, or at least they did try
Reduced not to theater, with embellishment and lie
No dog in the fight, back in the days
Now they sell product, just like Billy Mays
A hypothetical scenario, and how it is spun
Not hard to predict, if you know each one
An Iraqi bus, to a check point approaches
Passengers unknown, as it slowly encroaches
It stops not at Redline, but keeps rolling on
Taking no chances, it's fired upon
Impossible to know, why this took place
Yet here comes the Media, in their "Breaking News" race
First there is Hannity, he'll tell it right
"It was hardcore Al Queda, coming to fight"
A cadre of killers, with a gun in each hand
Our brave lads took them out, for God and homeland
Next is Christain, she'll tell it true
It was Iraqi workers, with a driver too new
Uncelar rules of engagement, troops not trained too long
Middle ground is out staple, so both sides must be wrong
THen there is Oberman, he'll tell it real
Twas Girl Scouts on Church picnic, Mother Theresa at the wheel
The troops held their fire, it was Bush there's no doubt
He said "just kill them all, let God sought them out"
And Last Al Jezeera, the truth they will tell
It was brave holy warriors, come to rout the Infidel
Each fought like ten tigers, they won victory and fame
With the blessing from Allah, all praise to his name
And such is the NEWS, in all of it's glory
Quote whomever you choose, they're all talking story
A new here it comes,that timely "Hard Break"
The unstoppable force, it's like an earthquake
They'll cut one off in midsentence, It's "Hard Break" don't you see?
It's ordained by God, it's not up to me
So what is its purpose? This force like Niagra
It's for selling John Basedow, Sham Wow, and Viagra
Noticed have you, when a big thing takes place?
"Hard Breaks" disappear, without any trace
Not hard to stop afterall, still why do they dare?
It's fear you'll change the channel, they'll lose too much share
Now its back to the NEWS, time for comic relief
Give us Bigfoot & Britney, or the most stupid theif
How come NEWS to this, such a pitiful state?
Not by conspiracy, no reason so great
A wise man once said, I'll tell you for sooth
The first casualty in war, is always the truth

Wordless Wednesday

Back by popular demand

Lukey's hur did!

Open eye, insert fingernail!

Just when I start getting comfortable with the kids being around each other withouth my hawkeye on them Eva reminds me that she's one and still seriously lacking in impulse control... especially right before nap time. Suffice it to say the girl child is STILL not old enough to be trusted alone around the boy child yet.

Today Lukey was in his swing looking up at himself in the mirror. He wasn't bothering anyone. I swear, I was there. Eva sauntered over to the swing and touched his eyebrow ever so UNgently. I lowered my brow and sternly told her not to touch her brother's eye again. I had my eleventeenth glimpse of what teenage rebellion is going to look like at that very second when she looked me blank in the face and proceeded to attempt to extract his eyeball from his skull. Thank God, and for the sake of Lukey's right baby blue, that I'm still rather dilligent about not leaving them alone together for I fear this could have had a very bad outcome. Although she probably wouldn't have done that if I wasn't "egging" her on, right?

Anyway, I removed her from her eye socket digging post, she cried like the baby she still is and felt lots of remorse and apologized to her baby brother...eventually. Now's she napping..... about 15 minutes too late. And because I deserve it so is he.

Introduction

New sneakers meet my old shins.
Old shins meet my new sneakers.

I hope you two will be very good to eachother.

Allow me to relay a convo I had

with some slug of a clerk at Babies R Us yesterday.

I brought 10 outfits there yesterday that still have BRU tags on them and were on the original hangers. They have NEVER been worn. Lukey outgrew (b/c he's a beast) them before I could think about putting them on him. Tey were all gifts and I either didn't save the gift receipt or never got one.

This is how the convo went at the exchange desk:

Me: I want to exchange these items for bigger sizes.
The freakin slug at the counter:"Do you have receipts? Registry? No? Oh you can't return them. New policy"
Me: No but they are all brand new with tags from here and they don't fit and I just want bigger sizes.
The freaking slug at the counter:"You can't return them. 90 days, gift reciept or registry bla bla bla new policy"
Me: But it's my second kid so I didnt have a reg and I got them as gifts and don't have reciepts and you can clearly see they are from here and I don't even want money for them just the exact same outfits in bigger sizes will do fine.
The freaking slug at the counter: Nope sorry new policy.
Me: Is this a joke? Am I on candid camera? So you're telling me all of these brand new clothes are essentially garbage b/c they don't fit my kid and you WONT exchange them b/c of a "new policy"?
The freaking slug at the counter: They're not garbage. You can donate them.
Me: Donate them? I'm sure my friends and family members would be so pleased they spent good money on these gifts for me and you're recommending I donate them.

So if you bought Luke a gift from BRU and it doesnt fit him I'm sorry but I've been directed to donate it by some slob who knows nothing about me and my charitable contributions.

For good measure here is the letter I send to BRU:
"I am writing to tell you that you're new exchange policy at BRU is horrendous. I brought in 9 outfits yesterday to exchange for bigger sizes b/c my new son outgrew them before he had a chance to wear them. They were all gifts. He's my 2nd child therefore I have no registry. I don't have reciepts but they all have BRU tags on them and are on the original hangers. I was told that due to your new policy you will not exchange them. I can't even get the same outfits in a bigger size when they clearly came from your store. After a lengthy exchange I asked the girl at the counter what I should do with them since they are essentially useless to me and she suggested I "donate them" and smirked. I WILL tell every one of my friends and family members that I can't use the gifts they got me and that BRU suggested I donate them. If you don't change this policy I won't ever be your customer again. 3 of my close friends just had babies and I will be buying their gifts are Target and Children's place anywhere else but at Babies R Us. If I am ever to attend a shower again (which is very likely) I will not buy from your registry. I have been a regular shopper at your store for several years. I have 2 babies and siblings with babies and tons of friends all in the child rearing stage. I'm spreading the word. Count on it. I have never written a letter to a company before like this. Please know that complete disgust and utter disappointment with your company has brought me to your website in hopes that I might open your eyes. I can assure you I'm not the first person this has happened to and I'm not alone in feeling this way. Maybe I'm being dramatic but I'm a mother who doesn't have unlimited amounts of money to waste on clothing and gifts for babies that will never be used. If I wanted to donate hundreds of dollars to charity I would do so. I don't need your clerks to tell me to do it by way of gifts that were purchased at your store for my son and not intended to be given away."

I curse the day

I met Cous Cous and the woman who introduced me to it ;-). I haven't lost any weight this week b/c of it in spite of running a grand total of 20 miles so far this week. Biggest Loser cookbook my ass. Granted no one told me to eat 3 servings at a time, for 2 meals a day but the whole cous cous= weight loss myth is a bunch of bullshit.

Hi Ho Hi Ho it's back to veggies I go.

Thursday 13 #7 Olympic Events that blow my mind

Thirteen Things about Chrissy The 13 Olympics Events that blow my mind and why 1. The balance beam- I watch this like I watch a horror movie, through my fingers with my breath held the whole time. It's so effin scary to me. And my pelvis aches the entire time. 2. Synchronized diving- How in the world can they do that shiz at the same exact time like that? 3. Canoeing- I've tried to paddle a canoe once or twice and that shit is super hard. It's no wonder the lady 'canoers' look like dudes to me. 4. Marathon- I don't think I'll ever get how someone can RUN for HOURS. 5. Weightlifting- Specifically the Clean and Jerk- First off I giggle whenever someone says the name of the event even though I know how extremely juvenile that is. Secondly, how those little itty bitty guys elbows and knees don't snap when they throw around eleventy seven times their own body weight boggles my mind. 6. Rowing- See # 3 7. Table Tennis- Sorry. Forrest Gump ruined this one for me 8. Hurdles- It's hard enough to do a split if not impossible. These cats do it while full on sprinting in mid air. 9. 10K Marathon Swimming- How far IS that???????????? 10. Handball- It's not just for dirtbags behind the Stop & Shop? 11. Triathalon- Swimming, biking and running a blue billion miles independently of one another is hard enough. These freaks do it all in one event. 12. Synchronized Swimming- is mad cool to watch especially for me since I don't know how to swim! 13. BMX Cycling- Those dudes are just nuts!

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others' comments. It’s easy, and fun! Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Wordless Wednesday

PSA- Grocery Shopping

Public Service Announcement- Grocery Shopping with an 18 month old and 3 month old is a bitch! If at all possible don't do it. Usually I'm pretty good with figuring out how to logistically handle these two kiddies but I gotta tell you the shopping cart at the grocery store provides an interesting challenge for me. Today was my second attempt at grocery shopping with BOTH kiddies.

The first time I went I put Eva in the seat part of the cart that is closest to me. I hung my wristlet wallet off the cart. I put the list on the seat next to Eva. I had my pen and phone and keys in my pocket. I hung the reusable shopping bags off the pen that was sticking out of my pocket. Lastly I had Luke in the car seat in the actual wagon. Now's the part where you ask where I put the food. Well, I made do with what little square footage I had left over after all of the other non food items (kiddies and such) were secured in the cart. I got 1/3 as many paper towels as I actually needed, half the frozen dinners, a mini loaf of bread and a quart of milk instead of a gallon. I tucked all of that stuff around the car seat in the wagon. Then I wedged a box of cereal in the car seat under Lukes legs, I made Eva hold the plums and apples and hamburger buns on her lap, I balanced the eggs, cheese and yogurt on the top of the car seat and I carried 2 boxes of Skinny Cows up to the registered in one hand while pushing the wagon with the other. I had to take Eva out of the cart and move Lukey to the top part in order to get the bagged groceries back into the cart. At that point I threw the list out and the no longer had to hang the bags from the pen in my pocket but I had to hold Eva's hand through the parking lot while pushing the cart with my elbow and eating a Skinny Cow.

Today I figured I'd try a different approach. I put Luke in the car seat in the back of the cart with me and stood Eva beans in the cart. I hung the wallet again off the handle and hung the bags from the teething rings hooked onto Lukey's carseat. About halfway through the trip Eva started chucking things out of the cart and she had about 4 square inches to stand. In order to avoid her smashing everything when she inevitably fell over as I made the turn to the frozen food section I decided it'd be best to take her out of the cart and have her walk nicely with me throughout the rest of the store. Pfffffft! Yeah Right. This time I actually got everything I needed to get with only 1 kid in the wagon but it took me twice as long b/c I was chasing the girl child all over the store.

So unless anyone has some other magical configuration that they'd like to share I'll be doing the food shopping alone from now on.

Oh yeah and why do people hate kids so much?

Product Endorsement

It's time again for me to pimp out some yummy lo-cal, lo fat, lo - all of the good stuff foods yet again. I feel this is my duty since scrumptious treats that don't wrack you with guilt are hard to come by these days. When I find one I am oh so excited and love to spread the word. Look out for a delish chocolate surprise towards the bottom of the cone. Here it is:

Skinny Cow Ice Cream cones- They RAWK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



One word of caution is if you eat 3 or them in one sitting it defeats the purpose.

To cut or not to cut??

That is the question. So how much longer can he pull this off? He'll be 3 months old on the 23rd, which coincedentally is mine and Marc's 5 year anniversary (do I smell a diamond in the future?). On the one hand I think the hair do he's rocking now makes him look older than his tender 2+months. On the other hand its hella cute and he rocks it like no other. If Cool Hand Luke can't strut his stuff in a punked out spike do than honestly no one can. I'm torn. Should I cut it and take him back to looking like a 3 month old or should I let his locks flow and continue to make middle aged baldy men cringe when we stoll by. Weigh in here!

Fun in the sun- Team Lif style

Thursday 13 #6 Silly things that make me rage

Thirteen Things about Chrissy 1. The tip jar at the Dunkin Donuts drivethru 2. When people behind me honk after the light turns green for 1 one thousandth of a second 3. When the cashier hands you your change with the coins on top of the bills 4. People that throw cigarette butts out their car windows 5. The Boston Red Sox 6. Fans of the Boston Red Sox 7. White lint on a dark brown couch 8. People that chew with their mouths open 9. The term "ASAP" 10. Bloggers block 11. Guilt trips 12. When bottles leak 13. The price of stamps

BIIIIIIIIIIG Shout out

To my Mom!!! Today is her first day of tour guide school.

Mom- I know you're probably a little nervous b/c you haven't been to school in a blue billion years and last time you were there you were actually the teacher but don't sweat it. You're gonna do great. I bet you'll teach the class a thing or two. Good Luck!!!!!!!!!! Eva says you can do it Mammar!!! Please blog all about it as soon as you can. Your audience awaits your next entry!

Synchronized Crying

My kids have been practicing this all morning. Someone please tell them it has NOT been added to the 2008 Summer Olympics as an Event!

My very own Mommy pot of gold

Picture it (said in my best sophia petrillo voice) "The Moms" all set to go out for our first annual (or hopefully first monthly) "Mom's night out". The girls, seen below, ditched the kiddies (Daddys and/or Grandmas are "babysitting")...well the pregnant girls brought their buns obviously b/c they are still in the oven and leaving them home with daddy would have required more of a to do than the dinner actually merrited...although I bet they wish at this point they could leave their sidekicks home for a night...but I digress. So the 6 girls left the 10 kids (EEK) at home and went out for a night of dining and drinking. It started off rough. Thunder, lightning, torrential downpour, outdoor dining plans switched at the last second to indoor dining, puddles ankle deep, parking spot stalking, and Main street closures were all packed into the first 40 minutes of the night by some mommy hating, mysoginist weather god to try and deter us from enjoying a night out sans the kiddies AND the hubbies. I swear sometimes it feels like the whole world is plotting against us Mommies. Trying to keep a sista down. Paranoia? Maybe. Anyway, we would not be detered. As only a Mommy with mad mommy skills can do we managed to coordinate a very stealth last minute venue change with little more than eleventy 8 phones calls on the ride over. Upon arriving at the new restaurant of choice every single mom bragged about the fabulous parking spot each independantly procurred and the rainbow we all saw. It turns out the new restaurant was not only fab and fun and not crowded but it was at the bottom of not one but TWO rainbows!!!! It's not often that I see one rainbow these days since at the first sight of rain I pack the kids and head for the hills but 2?!?!? It almost feels like to me like the ShehHaterKeepAGoodWomanDownWeathergod was putting us through a little test and when he saw how victorious and efficient we were he rewarded us with two lovely rainbows and a perfect night out! I hate to say it b/c it feels like a dare but that weather god is going to have to try much harder next time if he wants to keep us from repeating this night!

Product Endorsement

Boars Head Lacey (lo fat) Swiss Cheese is the bomb!

Dear Hair Club for Men members

Don't hate.

Thursday Thirteen #5 Old Lady Names

Thirteen Things about Chrissy Here are my 13 favorite Old Lady Names that have come back in fashion (in no particular order): 1. Margaret 2. Clara 3. Lillian 4. Sadie 5. Violet/Viola 6. Grace 7. Betsy 8. Rosalie 9. Alice 10. Madeline 11. Caroline 12. Sophia 13. Stella Big ups to the Golden Girls for coming in twice on the list. And big ups to some of my elderly and/or deceased family members for also making the list.

Gratuitous Cuteness

For no other reason than just because he's cute.

How is an OCD anal cleaner mom supposed to reconcile all of this?

Yogurt day and spoon lessons all at once???????? I definately need a therapy session after this meal. By the end of it she had the spoon in her mouth. It's progress for her and one step closer to the loony bin for me.

Why

do carbohydrates have to come in the most delicous, irresistable forms? And why do they have to have the same effect on my waistline as HGH has on a batting average?

Happy Half Birthday Eva Beans

February 3rd, 2007


August 3rd, 2008


Where did it go?????? Eva Beans is 18 months old and full of piss and vinegar these days. Her absolute fave word is "No". On occasion she's been known to say "oily ass" (don't ask how she learned it) and some other unpleasant expletives. But old girl has the "NO" down so damn pat. Not only does she say the word but she has a way of shrugging you off while doing it that makes you want to bury yourself in a hole.

But don't worry, she's very well rounded. She gives hugs and kisses to just about everyone these days (on her terms). She'd kiss the checkout lady at King Kullen if I let her... I don't. Sometimes her hugs and kisses are genuine and you can totally feel the love. Other times she's just manipulating to get out of her chair, out of her crib, into my arms, out of the house, **insert whatever request she might have here**, etc. She thinks I don't know the difference. I do. Either way I can't resist them.

She's smart and happy and friendly and sweet and a joy to be around. So,I guess that's what she's been up to for the last 18 months...working on all of those attributes. The old addage is true...Time DOES fly when you're having fun.